Gundam Pilot's Voice Messages
by Devil Seifer
Summary: What the Gundam pilots' voice mail's and messages. Very funny. will make you think about them in a way that you never have before unless you are just as scary as me! Please read and review!
1. Heero's VM

Gundam Wing Voice Messages.

* * *

Disclaimer: Howdy. D.S. here. I got bored and writers block with all my other fan fics so I started a new one to ease my tired brain. (Don't use it much)

Heero: Obviously.

D.S. Shut up!

Duo: You have to agree with him even though State Farm Insurance Company hates his guts.

Wufei: They don't like you much either. I heard how you flew that shuttle into Maramaia's colony! I believe you had to pay the damages?

Duo: shut up! And it was Heero's idea! I just followed his lead!

Quatre: Can you guys stop fighting!

D.S. Sorry Quatre, you're just a ninny, so we can't. Anywho! I don't own Gundam Wing so on with the show.

(Trowa's busy scaring kids)

P.S. These are very short so don't flame me. It's on voice mail per chapter.

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Heero's Voice Mail.

* * *

Hello, you reached Heero Yuy, I'm not here right now probably because I'm on the run from Relena and if you are Relena I will kill you right now, if not, leave a message at the beep.

You've got three messages…

Click

"Mr. Yuy, this is blockbuster, you have the following overdue movies: Black Hawk Down, Sailor Moon: Black Dream Hole, Tokyo Mew Mew, and Samurai X…Oh and I forgot…also Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood; please return them because you have a total fee of 2,457.03. Thanks."

(STARE)

Click…you're message has been deleted…Next Message…12:45 AM.

Duo: HEERO! DUDE! PICK UP THE GOD DAMN PHONE! I CAN'T SLEEP SO I NEED TO BORROW THAT YAYA SISTER THINGY YOU LIKE SO MUCH! ANSWER THE F"

Click…you're message has been deleted…end of messages…goodbye.

* * *

I'm just testing wither this is a good idea. If people review than I will put up Duo's then Wufei's…so on and so forth. For this don't flame me that it's so short. If you want two VM's per chapter than tell me in the review. Thanks!

D.Seifer


	2. Duo and Wufei's VM's

Gundam Pilot's Voice Messages

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Disclaimer:

D.S.: Kon'nichiwa!

Heero: Your Japanese sucks…stick with English you Yankee.

Duo: WHOA! Watch who you're talkin' around! I'm American too! And we don't like being called Yankees! Their baseball team is on steroids!

D.S: YEAH! DIAMONDBACKS ALL THE WAY!

Duo: erm… I tend to like the Red Sox.

D.S. They suck.

Duo: No they don't!

D.S. THEY TAKE STEROIDS TOO!

Wufei: Duo…D.S…. it may not be steroids, but we know you're on something.

Duo and D.S.: Glare Shut up!

Quatre: Sigh I made hot dogs if you guys will stop arguing.

D.S. and Duo: GO QUATRE! Dives at Quatre and steals hot dogs and starts to scarf them down like they haven't eaten in weeks

D.S.: Well today you will be hearing Duo's and Wufei's VM's. I don't own GW, and I'm sorry that I accidentally wrote that there would be three VM's per chappie. I'll give you two this time and if you people review I will give you Trowa's, Quatre's, Zecks', Relena's, and so on! Please enjoy this chappie! I just got extremely hyper when I saw that so many love this story. Enjoy!

P.S. if you have a VM you would like me to do, please tell me in the review and tell me what you want said and I'll at my own touch to it. Thanks!

* * *

Duo and Wufei

* * *

Duo Maxwell…

* * *

Hiya! You've reached the almighty God of Death! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Anywho, I'm not here right now probably because I'm off on the objective to give Chang Wufei the slow and painful death he deserves! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA gasp HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Faint…Beep

You've got 37 new messages…

…34 clicks later…

Hi, Mr. Maxwell, You haven't paid your electric, water, taxes, telephone, or Playboy Pay Per View channel bills for 7 months; you currently owe 345,568.02 for each bill. By noon today everything will be turned off. Thank you very much for your time.

Twitch…twitch

Your message has been deleted… Next message…

Hi, Mr. Maxwell, this is the IRS calling to tell you that we will be reposing everything you own including you goldfish named as followed: "Fluffy", "Nemo", "Heero", "Trowa", "Fred", "George", and "Fuzzy-Lumpy Poo." You can keep "Mince Meat" because it's a piranha. Have a great day. Beep

Click…end of message…Next Message…

Wufei: DUO YOU SON OF A B! WHY THE F+ DID YOU LEAVE F+ING COCROACHES IN MY GOD DAMN F+ING HOUSE! I'M GOING TO F+ING MURDER YOU! I AM GOING TO TAKE YOUR HEAD AND SHOVE IT THROUGH A BLENDER! THEN I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR LEFT ARM AND FEED IT TO THE HOMELESS! THEN I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR RIGHT ARM AND USE IT AS A SWORD SHARPENER! THEN…ran out of tape

Click…end of message…you have no more messages…goodbye…

* * *

Chang Wufei…

* * *

Hello. You have reached Chang Wufei. I'm currently not here right now probably because I'm off betraying the fellow pilots and causing them hell. Please leave your name, number, and brief message at the beep. Thank You. Beep

Click…you've got one new message…

Wufei, this is Duo. I heard from the following girls that you have taken on dates and never returned their calls nor called them again.

Britnee

Amy

Hannah

Megan

Maegan

Summer

Crystal

Yasenya

Emily

Massena

Caitlin

Rebecca

Trowa's long lost sister

Relena

Maremaia

Kitiara

Laurana

Lori

Laura

Sarah

Sara

Victoria

Gina

Georgina

Samantha

Shirley

Kaoru

Asana

Yemeni

Cassie

Cassidy

Bessie

Dorothy

And your grandmother

I will be posting this on the Internet! See ya on the next mission!

Beep

* * *

Hey all! I hope you liked this one better. I worked really hard for my beloved fans! cikadas cherping Never mind. Please RR! 


	3. Trowa and Quatre's VM's

Disclaimer:

D.S.: Nihau!

Heero: YOUR CHINESE SUCKS TOO! STICK WITH THE DAMN ENGLISH! YOU YANK! (Out of character…I caused him to go insane)

Duo: (Growl) SHUT UP YOU JAP!

D.S.: Thank you Duo! (Hugs his arm affectionately)

(The other G-pilots gag in disgust)

D.S.: I could turn this to a yoi!

G-Pilots: NOOOOOOOOOO! (Cringe)

D.S.: I thought so. (Thinks that even if she had to, she wouldn't, because she hates both girl-girl and boy-boy. Except let's just keep that to myself.) All right, I don't own anything except a few slaves and some sick and twisted thoughts. (Enjoy!)

G-Pilots: (Stare)

D.S.: (Grin)

Trowa: She's insane, isn't she?

Duo: Trowa, you tend to state the obvious.

Heero: …

Wufei: Obviously.

Duo: You suck at being funny.

Wufei: But not at killing! (Chases Duo with katana)

Duo: You can't kill me! I'm the almighty God of Death! (Runs)

Quatre: Can't we please be normal!

Heero and Trowa: …No…

* * *

Trowa and Quatre VM's

* * *

Trowa Barton…

* * *

Hello, you have reached Trowa Barton, but actually, I have no name…but I'm called Trowa, but that's not my name…I'm just called that by my fellow pilots, but it's not my name…umm…well…just leave a message at the beep. But technically I have no name…but people call me Trowa…but that's not my name…

Beep

You have 3 new messages…

First new message…

Click

Hello, Trowa, this is Relena, have you seen Heero lately, because I'm worried that he's avoiding me. Why would he do that to me! I love him! And he loves me! He's saved me so many times he better love me! Because I love him and he must love me-

(Trowa skipped to the next message)

Next new message…

Mr. Barton, this is Blockbuster, we realize that you have several movies rented and have yet to be returned, such as the following:

Good Girl

Mean Girls

Notebook

Little Black Book

When Harry Met Sally

Along Came Polly

Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood

Big Fish

Napoleon Dynamite

Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Raising Helen

And Mona Lisa Smile

Please return these you sick, sick freak. You owe 67,793.13. Thank you very much.

Next new message…

Trowa! This is Heero! I'm going into hiding, I running away to Kansas, where Relena will lease expect me to be there. If you hear from her tell her that I died cold and alone because she was hunting me like crazy! In fact, I may go to Hawaii…retire from all this pilot crap! Trowa! Thanks man! (Starts to sing out of tune) BORN FREEEEE! AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS! (Trowa covers ears, hoping it will stop, staggering away from the machine; his teeth clenched) THANKS MAN! YOU'RE THE BEST!

Click…

End of message…you have no more messages…goodbye…

* * *

Quatre Rebara (dunno if that's spelled right) Winner

* * *

Hi! You've reached Quatre Winner! I'm a simple young man, I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a loving personality; I'm trying the new Voice Message Dating Service, so if you're a young woman looking for love look no further, I'm very shy and people say that I'm unbelievably cute…well I'm probably off helping Rashid so please leave a message after the beep. Thank you very much!

You have two new messages…

Winner. This is Dorothy; I saw that you were doing this Voice Message Dating Service thing. Boy, I'm your girl! (Hic!) I mean! (Hic!) Quatre…(Hic!) I love (hic!)…You…bartender…more sake! (Slam!) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh…. that hit the spot! (Hic!) YOU ARE DROP DEAD SEXY! (Faint) CALL THE POLICE! THIS LADY FAINTED! WHOA! SHE'S GOT TWO EYEBROWS ON EACH EYE! CALL 911 YOU BAKA!

Click…

Your message has been deleted…

Next Message…

Duo: OH QUATRE! YOU SOUND SOOOOOO CUTE! I WOULD JUST LOOOOOVVVVEEE TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU INSIDE SANDROCK…HEE HEE HEE!

(Quatre picks up the phone)

DUO! RAAAAAAHHHH! THIS ISN'T FUNNY! I'M DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT TRYING THIS AND I DON'T NEED YOU PLAYING YOUR DAMNED PRANKS ON ME! MY SELF ESTEEM IS ON A LOW AND I REALLY NEED THIS!

Duo:………I was just kidding………. Don't be such a ninny about it! Damn! And by the way, I recorded that entire rage session and I'm gonna add it right next to Wufei's Pimp List! Yaaaaahhhhh!

(Quatre hangs up)

Duo: Quatre? Quatre? (Shrug) oh well…

Click… You have no more messages…Goodbye…

* * *

D.S. How was that! Duo has officially named the list that he read on Wufei's VM, Wufei's Pimp List! I now own that so the only way can you use it is if you review and ask me and I will likely say yes. TROWA'S INTO CHICK FLICKS, AND QUATRE'S TRYING VM DATING! MWHAHAHA! Please RR! Thankses! 


	4. Relena and Sally's VM

Disclaimer:

**D.S.:** Hey all!

**G-Wing Pilots:** Hey.

**D.S.:** I've got one question for Dementedness…what does, "Everyone must DIE! SOWWIE!" mean? I'm just confused.

**Heero:** You're always confused, and you're also certifiably insane.

**D.S.:** Glad you noticed! (Chases Heero with Broad Sword that she bought at Swap Meet on the outskirts of Phoenix, near Goodyear)

**Heero:** Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

**Quatre:** (sigh) D.S.?

**D.S.: **(Grabs Heero's shirt and calmly looks at Quatre) Yes?

**Quatre:** Why do you make me so stressed out all the time?

**D.S.:** Dear, dear Quatre…it's not me…it's all the yoi writers on this website that make you so stressed…now you see ME, on the other hand, just make you look like a ninny.

**Duo: **Damn! That's gotta hurt.

**D.S.: **Yeah…well I've got to give a huge shout out to Sadistic Shadow! W00T! I don't know how you found out that this was my pen name but that was awesome! Yes, this is a truce, because I just believe if someone seems not to like you, just treat 'em as a friend and hope for the best! Also thanks so much for reading everything and"

**Trowa:** You talk too much.

**D.S.:** (Glare) you talk too little clown-face!

**Trowa:** (Puts on mask and clown outfit) Hiya.

**D.S.:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! CLOWN! RUN FOR YOU'RE FRIGGIN' LIVES! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

**Trowa: **(Stares as D.S. and fellow pilots run in different directions… sigh)

**D.S.:** (stops and starts talking again to the different people who such a boring life as to read this fic) I also never get to say thanks to the following fans:

Dementedness

Serenity Maxwell

Sadistic Shadow

Kidishcaresh

Squall

Seed of Flame

Serithgliniel

SilverTwilight

Black Triforce

Eyslk

NekuYasha

Rainystar186

Skittles and Sparky

Star Gemini

Gigglegal

Lady of the Rose and Rain

Duo's Hanyou

ArmyChick

Raizard333

Jarrod Masters

Kmmgirly

I really think that if that many people love my fan fic as much as they say, that is just scary. I don't own anything and happy readings

* * *

Relena's VM

* * *

Hello, you have reached Relena Peacecraft, I am currently away from the phone right now probably because I'm off getting kidnapped somewhere probably in the Iraq colony and causing my love, Heero-Chan, to get shot many times, promoting my pacifistic ways, or off trying to force Heero to love me and marry me. So if you're Heero or know of Heero's whereabouts, please leave your name and number after the beep! 

Beep!

You have two new messages…

Click…

Hey Relena, its Duo, heard from Trowa that you were looking for Heero. Trowa told me that Heero's waiting for you on a boat near Siberia on Earth! He's freezing half to death but (in a dreamy voice) the only warmth that keeps him alive is that you will come to him soon…(mockingly hugs himself) see ya 'round, Relee!

Beep.

Your message has been saved…Next message…

Click…

RELENAAAAAA! YOU CRAZY, FREAKY, LITTLE W! YOU NEED TO KEEP THE F+ AWAY FROM ME! I WANT TO LIVE IN PEACE! BUT IN A PEACE THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU! YOU'RE A STALKING PACIFIST! THAT'S JUST WRONG! SO KEEP THE HELL AWAY FROM ME AND GET A LIFE, OR SHOOT YOURSELF!

Beep.

Your message has been deleted…you have no more messages… Goodbye…

* * *

Sally's VM

* * *

Hi, you've reached Sally Po, I'm currently dragging Wufei (bound, gagged, and screamin' like a little girl! Muffled screams of course…) off on another mission to save "Queen Relena." Damn! Can that girl ever keep out of trouble! Anyways, please do your thing at the beep. Duo…NO PRANK CALLS! 

Beep.

You have two new messages…Click…First message…

Duo: OH DAMN SHE'S ONTO ME! WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO!… (CRASH!) ……………………………………OWWWWWWIIIIIEEEEEEEE!

Click…Next message…

Sally! This is Heero! What ever you do! DON'T SAVE RELENA! Somehow I will get pushed into this and once again get the crap shot outta me because of that crazy bitch! DON'T SAVE HER! IF YOU SAVE HER, MY GHOST WILL HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY! I WILL MAKE BEG FOR DEATH BEFORE THE END! DON'T SAVE HER!………Ooooooohhhhh, PIZZA'S HERE! CHEEZY GOODNESSS IS MINE! (Sally hears Heero hug the cardboard boxes) Bye.

Click…you have no more messages…Goodbye…

* * *

**D.S.: **Well? I'm running out of ideas for the characters so if you'd be so kind as to let me know Sally's last name, and some fresh ideas to use in my own sick and twisted fashion…also if you want, (tell me through review) I can make it where they get new VMs to try to keep this going as far as possible. Tell me soon and did you know that if you don't review, that will only bring the apocalypse swifter and more terribly than if you do? So please do something for everyone on Earth! SAVE US FROM GOD'S WRATH WITH REVIEWS! (Just kidding!) Thanks! 


End file.
